Wild Grief

Death follows some like a shadow…

We feel it’s weight on our heels but without it we’d never feel life and the extremity of joy on the other side.

Grief is an energy to transmute, like all the rest. But if we don’t, death becomes a more than a shadow…

Loosing him at 30 isn’t the hardest thing I’ve had to overcome, accept, deal with, process…but that doesn’t mean I don’t still cry about it. What is the hardest is a challenge based the day bc he’s not here to lend a shoulder to cry on. He was my rock. The one I went to went shit hit the fan. Sometimes it took a while to go to him but I usually did. I regret not going to him more. I regret not making more time for him. I regret the years spent in the my shit while he was slowly wasting away under the weight of everyone else’s burdens. I regret not being there for him more. To hold his hand and lend my shoulder for him to have a rest upon. I regret avoiding the feelings of his disease and his death. I regret letting such trivial things consume his last years.

Now I’m living different. Honoring your life instead of mourning. Allowing for myself to come fruition like he wanted me to. I’m letting myself be and putting myself first. Then others. I’m learning from his mistakes; his lack of knowledge; the things he didn’t have time or know how to feel.

I’m learning how to feel authentically. Without shame or hiding, without drama or fear but with compassion and grace. I’m allowing myself to feel all the things I’ve avoided and letting the grief transmute itself.

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